Working in a law office, I get to meet more than my share of crazies. From coked out strippers to wife-beating pathological liars to people who are clearly afraid of soap & water, they keep my days interesting. But sometimes I start to wonder, just what exactly draws them all to our office besides the common need for legal services? I mean, there's about six other lawyers in this town. How do they all end up here? I really want to wear my shirt to work that says, What Am I? Flypaper for Freaks?, but somehow I don't think that would go over too well. Take for instance, the gentleman I had the privilege of speaking with yesterday. As soon as I heard the growly voice on the other end of the phone, I groaned inwardly. This guy's burners are not all heating up. He's in his 80's, and he is convinced that his kids are trying to kill him and steal his ranch. Granted, one of his sons did do that a few years ago, but c'mon, let bygones be bygones. Can't we all just get along? A few years ago, he was mad at some rancher who was giving him trouble, so he hired a hit man. The hit man went out to the ranch, and got beat up by the intended victim! I'm pretty sure that would pretty much kill your street cred. So in retaliation, the hitman went to the cops, who in turned called the Feds. The Feds show up at this old guy's ranch to arrest him. Since it was about noon, and they live in the middle of nowhere, he made his wife fix them a meal! She fries up some chicken, makes potatoes and gravy, the works. I think she was just glad she was going to have no less than 18 months but no more than 5 years of peace. Now I would like to go on the record at this point and say I have no personal beef with this man. In fact, his chauvenistic attitude and colorful cursing remind me of my grandfather, so I usually find it kind of amusing. But the last time he was in here, he starting asking me why I wasn't married at my age and if it was because I couldn't catch a man. Trying to be funny, I told him I had caught plenty, but I threw them all back. Missing the humor, now he just thinks I'm a whore. But undeterred, he proceeds to attempt to set me up with his grandson...who's standing right there. It's the only grandkid he approves of, good job, great personality, yada, yada. Umm...a recommendation from this man wasn't exactly what I was looking for. If I were his grandson, I would reconsider using him as a reference. And right now, life-long celibacy is looking pretty good.
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